So this might sound odd, but tonight I am pretending to have a tea date with my Nanny. I dropped my son off at a birthday party and I am sitting at Tim Horton’s. I have ordered fairy pee (what my Nanny called my green tea) and her favourite donut. She isn’t here with me as she is laying in a hospital bed slowly letting go.
I just spent time with her and talked to her straight for over an hour. She didn’t wake and I was sad but I still told her stories and memories that were my favourite. Prior to this I had spent 4 days awake trying to be by her side for the end. I was going delusional and physically sick from the lack of sleep.
If there is a tomorrow for her I will go again and do the same. As I left I thought about what she would want. She would want me to do my best to be strong. She would want me to carry through on all my current initiatives and do what I do best – spread positivity. She would want me to smile and be happy.
She would know that life is going to be tough for me for a while. She would know this because she knows how much I love her and how much she means to me. Despite this, she would want me to learn to cope and pick myself up. To be strong for my family who will also feel the pain from the loss of someone magnificent.
I’m having ups and downs. I’m struggling. I’m feeling emotions that most of us could only feel once we knew love. I also know she’d like me to eat this donut for her, being one of her most favourite treats, and think about the good times. So on our little tea date she really is with me, it’s just in my heart ♡